Monday, September 14, 2020

Checking In

Just checking in. A few people have asked how I've been. I've been dealing with major depression since my last post. I wish I could say that I'm doing better, but I'm still in a place I can't describe. A place of silence - a place where I have to struggle for words.

This has been quite a year. It seems that it just won't settle down. 

So much has happened - some of it you all know about because we are all living it.

Some of the other happenings in 2020 --

An elderly couple was shot at the Veteran's Cemetery which is just separated from our neighborhood by a wooded area. The shooter hid in that area resulting in a lockdown of our neighborhood and a very long gun battle with police. Which we could hear from our house. Such a sad, surreal day.

Back in August we had very unusual weather for Delaware as a result of tropical storm Isaias. Three tornados, one that did a lot of damage in our neighborhood. It came through our back yard and across our deck. I know this because I was so stunned at what I was seeing that I watched it until debris started hitting the house. Sadly, just two doors down, they lost their roof and the back part of their house. So many homes uninhabitable in our neighborhood and I believe they said over 200 trees down, a lot of big, beautiful pine trees. We were extremely fortunate, just some minor damage to our siding.

But without question, the worst thing this year has been finding out that my father is sick. He probably doesn't have more than a year left in his life. My father and I have always had a complicated relationship - one that has gotten better over the years, but I feel like this has just about done me in. I have cried so many tears. It is such a sad thing for me and a frustrating thing in that he won't follow any of the instructions from his doctors.

I find myself wondering what will be next but at the same time trying to live in the present - focusing on finding the good.

I've visited blogs and read blogs now I just need to find the words to leave a comment. Working on it.

Hope you all are well and finding ways to get through this time. Take care.

Just want to add - I'm not sure what is going on with Blogger. My post keeps disappearing and then reappearing. 


Barb said...

Penny. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. It has been a really tough year on so many. Recently we are dealing with the fires here in Washington. At least the area where I live has no fires. We are being told to stay in and keep all the windows closed. Breathing outside air is unhealthy. None of this is impossible on its own but the year has been pile on. Trying to live one day at a time is really the best way but not easy when you have so many concerns like your dad. Take care!

marly said...

You certainly have a lot to deal with and I am sorry for that. My FIL was a person who lived and left on his own terms. There was no reasoning and we finally gave up as did his doctors, and just cared for his needs. We've seen the destruction from an F5 within a mile of our house, and it was surreal. I hope the cloud above you lifts and offers light back into your world. It takes time, and I pray for patience and peace until then.

Vickie said...

Oh dear Penny. I was estranged from my father by choice for decades because of our complicated relationship. I struggled with contacting him again, and wanted to, but I was scared. He was abusive. It was too late. He died. I am glad you and your father are in each others lives Penny. You cannot make someone else do something. You can ask! ;) You are a good daughter Penny. I am praying for you sweet friend. God bless you. Take good care of yourself now.

TheCrankyCrow said...

I know it is of no comfort, but you are not alone in your state of mind.... I struggle with depression as well, and there are some bad patches, where all I can offer is silence. And as we all know, I have had long, long, hiatuses from blogging because I had no words. I have always come back though because, it seems, these people I call my blog family never forget me, always forgive me....and most times offer more friendship, understanding, and healing than those people around me. I pray you find your way back....and pray for you to find whatever resolution and/or peace you can with your father. Although I do not know the specifics, I imagine him to be much like my husband who is choosing to kill himself day by day. :-( I am just an email away if you think it could help in any way. ~Robin~

Carol said...

First of all, I'm so glad to read your update, sad as it may be, Penny... I think we've all had more than our fair share of sadness with the whole Covid mess, but then throw in things like your elderly neighbors, the tornadoes, and your dad's health issues, and it does seem like more than you can stand. I know... It's been one thing after another for me this year, too. I am not depressed, though, just sad, and I've become kind of hardened toward life and just expecting another bad thing to drop on me at any moment--and that's not good either.

To have a complicated relationship with a parent who is at the end of life, must be beyond difficult--so many emotions must be running through your head and heart. I'm so sorry, but I do hope that, somehow, this last bit of time with him, can help you find even more healing in your relationship.

Sending a caring hug and wishing your heart peace, Penny ♥

diamondc said...

Penny: My heart goes out to you, I have been there with an ill parent, it is hard.
I will add you to my daily prayers.
I hope your depression goes away, far far away.
This is terrible news about the couple shot in the cemetery, how awful.
This pandemic has so many people acting crazy.
I am so sorry to hear of the tornado, I was watching one come through our old neighborhood until I found my feet and headed down to the basement, it was so scary, I know how you felt.
Have a lovely week, it was good to see a post from you, I look forward to seeing more.


Jackie's Stitches said...

I'm so sorry to read of your hard times. Both of my parents are ill and with covid it has been especially hard. You have lots coming at you at once. Be kind to yourself. I hope you have sought help for your depression and I know how hard it is to do that. Sending you a hug!

Preeti said...

I am so sorry, I did not know you are going through depression as I was away from blogland and never came to know through our interactions on IG either.
Hope things turn out peacefully and there is no solution to depression. I have been there both depression and losing father to sudden cardiac arrest when he was just 65. You learn to deal with it sometimes trying what works out to bring a little peace to mind.

Robin said...

I don’t know how I came across your post but I did......just know you are not alone. I think there are a lot more women suffering from depression than we can even begin to imagine. I go down that same rabbit hole sometimes and it is not just as simple as saying that today I won’t be sad. For me, sad it not how I feel. I feel overwhelmed and I feel like it is never going to change and I feel hopeless and I have no interest in my favorite things and it doesn’t bother me that I don’t have the interest. Somehow, one day at a time it will lift, after weeks or even months, and I start the road back. So know you are not alone. And know that this too shall pass. And don’t be too proud to seek professional help if you think it could help.